A serpent's first week
by vala411
Summary: This story is due to a oneshot challenge with The Dragon1010. The rules are simple: A Teachers AU, MUST be comedy and a maximum of 5000 words.


**AN: Hi all. This story is due to a oneshot challenge with The Dragon1010. The rules are simple: A Teachers AU, MUST be comedy and a maximum of 5000 words.**

 **A serpent's first week**

The new school year at Berk High had already been in session for more than a month when the teachers had gotten the news. Mrs. K, as she preferred to be called, had finally snapped and quit. The faculty was notified and they all received a postcard from her showing a Buddhist temple in Nepal. The faculty was ripe with gossip for a week as subs were called in while they tried to find a replacement. Many of the teachers speculated that it was just the stress of the job finally getting to her.

Today was Monday, a hellish time for both students and staff, and everyone gathered in the teachers' lounge for their weekly meeting. Astrid arrived on time and took a seat at her usual place. She looked around to see all her colleagues preparing for the day while opening a yogurt cup. By preparing she meant Gothi, the school nurse, sneaking a nip of gin, Drago, the Economics teacher, gossiping with Heather who taught PE and Camicazi a fellow Math teacher.

Then there were Mala and Throk, both teaching Social studies, whom got married last year. They were on the couch talking to Hiccup who taught History. Others were trickling in even as she observed. The twin terrors Ruffnut and Tuffnut who taught Physics and Chemistry respectively were bugging the Grimborne brothers about some weird subject like usual. Viggo taught Business while Ryker taught Home economics. She felt a pat on her shoulder and looked up to see Gobber, the Woodshop teacher, grinning at her.

"So lass. Ya asked yet?" Gobber questioned causing Astrid to blush slightly.

"Gobber!" Astrid admonished before admitting "I…..eh…. didn't get the chance."

Gobber facepalmed before muttering "What do I have to do? Lock both you and Hiccup in a storage closet?"

"He's just so oblivious!" Astrid muttered in frustration. "He doesn't even know how popular he is. Thor! I had to break up a fight at the beginning of the year because there wasn't anymore room in his classroom for students that wanted to transfer."

Gobber had to agree with that. He often wondered how the lad could be so oblivious with that many students trying to flirt with him.

Meanwhile Hiccup had gone to get more coffee to wake up his brain when an arm slung over his shoulder. "Morning brother." Dagur, who taught Foreign Languages, greeted. They were joined at the coffee pot by Alvin, the English teacher, who kept his voice low. "So did you hear?"

"Hear what?" Hiccup asked. Who was he to turn down gossip on a Monday morning.

"Oh the new History teacher that is replacing Mrs. K. Seems he's supposed to be a hottie. Looks like you have some competition Hiccup." Alvin laughed.

"Competition?" Hiccup asked as he gave Alvin a weird look. Dagur and Alvin shared a look before merely patting their poor oblivious friend on the back.

Snotlout, the Music teacher, came barreling through the door while carrying a large tuba. "Well the new teacher seems like a jerk." He announced as he walked directly to the coffee pot and downed the contents.

"What happened?" Hiccup asked while Dagur started a new pot.

"Well Fishlegs was showing him around before bringing him here and I bumped into him." Snotlout explained. "I apologized and he gave me this sneer and look like I was beneath him or something. Didn't say anything before he asked Fish to continue with the tour."

"Rude much!" Dagur grumbled as he had started trying to use different slang terms from various years to try and sound hip.

The doors opened again to reveal Fishlegs, the Biology teacher, leading in a very muscled man. "And this is the Teachers' lounge." He told him. "Why don't you meet everyone else."

Astrid, who had taken a deep breath and was about to walk up to Hiccup, nearly choked on her tea when she saw who it was. Fishlegs was introducing him to everyone and when he came up to her he said "Astrid, this is Eret Eretson."

"I know." Astrid's eyes turned cold. "We've met before."

"You….. you have?" Fishlegs asked. He did however stop talking when he saw the pure fury in her eyes. They were directed towards their new History teacher and he wisely stepped away. No one wanted to face Astrid Hofferson head on. Not after what had happened at the Soccer tryouts a few years back.

"Eret" Astrid stated trying to keep the loathing out of her voice. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting a job." Eret said completely unperturbed. "I recently moved to this State and needed one."

"This from the man who called my job a waste of time?" Astrid retorted. "Why are you even a teacher?"

Eret merely hummed and then changed the question "So how have you been doing Astrid?"

"Why would you even care? Why now?" She asked as she crossed her arms. "You know what. I don't want to know." She muttered. "Just do your job and don't bother me."

"Oh but Astrid surely you missed me." Eret said in a near flirty voice. Astrid just shot him a nasty look before departing to her classroom. The other teachers in the lounge had noticed the tense atmosphere.

"Yikes" Dagur muttered as Astrid slammed the door. "Even Snotlout hasn't gotten on her bad side like that before."

"Something has to be rotten in Denmark if Astrid doesn't like the guy." Alvin mused. "I say we find out what and avoid him for now."

"That's easy for you to say. I'm the one who has to see him most of the time." Hiccup mentioned. "His classroom is across from mine."

"Also we still have to discuss you asking Miss Hotsy-totsy out." Dagur told them as they started heading to their respective classes. Hiccup sputtered and blushed while trying to keep his head down.

Lunch came pretty quickly and the teachers either ate in their classrooms or in the lounge. Hiccup was eating his lunch with Dagur, Alvin and Fishlegs today and he really wished he could take a bite without blushing.

"So as I was saying Hiccup. When are you going to ask Astrid out? You know she's the bee's-knees." Dagur prodded as a sly smile appeared on his face.

"Dagur. No one says bee's knees anymore." Fishlegs mumbled. "But I have to agree with you. Hiccup has to ask her out."

"But… but what if she doesn't like me?" Hiccup questioned. "I might just ruin our friendship."

"Hiccup either you ask her out or you end up like our janitor Mildew." Alvin grumbled. "He lives with a sheep for Thor's sake."

"Alright alright!" Hiccup mumbled. "I'll ask." He got up and started making his way towards Astrid's table. He didn't notice Dagur and Alvin giving each other a high five.

Meanwhile Astrid was in a deep discussion with Camicazi, Heather, Mala, Ruffnut and surprisingly Drago. They had cornered her outside her classroom intending to get to the bottom of what happened this morning.

"Spill girl!" Drago muttered as he stabbed a spoon in his jello.

"I'm usually not the busybody" Mala mumbled "But what happened this morning?"

Astrid let out a sigh before telling them. You really couldn't keep anything a secret for long in this school. "Okay… yes. I know Eret. I know his slimy arse all too well."

"He does have a very well defined behind." Ruffnut commented offhandedly earning several weird looks. "Well he does!"

"Anyway, he and I were dating before I came to work here."

"Was it serious?" Camicazi asked as they all leaned in closer.

"So serious that I was walking down the aisle." Astrid told them as their eyes widened upon hearing that information.

"So what happened for you to leave a blizzard behind in the lounge when he showed up." Heather now asked.

"I was the one walking down the aisle. He just never showed up." Astrid explained.

"Oh no he didn't!" Drago exclaimed.

"Oh yes he did!" Astrid countered. "Three years of a good relationship wasted. I later found out that he eloped with our wedding coordinator. He's a total snake in the grass."

"Nice ass or not. That is just the rudest thing I've ever heard." Ruffnut commented. "Want me and my bro to take care of him?"

"NO!" The entire group shouted earning some weird glances from their colleagues. Before they could start gossiping further Hiccup approached.

"Astrid Hotty alert!" Camicazi whispered to her and winked. Astrid turned around to face a nervous looking Hiccup. "Hey Astrid… Hi Astrid!" Hiccup quickly said and then whacked his brain. He stood there nervously as Astrid gazed at him. "Iwaswonderingifyouwouldliketogooutwithme!" He said so fast that Astrid raised a brow.

"What Hiccup?" She asked again as Hiccup blushed deeply. He really didn't want to ruin the friendship he had with her.

"He asked you on a date girl!" Drago exclaimed. He was tired of seeing them dance around the subject and he wanted to win the ongoing bet the faculty had.

Astrid smiled at Hiccup. "I would love to go out with you." She told him. "Does Friday work for you?"

Hiccup nodded vigorously not trusting his mouth. "I'll…. I'll come pick you up." He finally managed to get out. "Does seven work?"

"Seven works fine." Astrid told him and watched as their adorkable History teacher nodded again before heading back to his table.

"So what are you wearing?" Heather asked as she leaned closer.

"We need to go shopping!" Camicazi suggested.

Astrid's eye twitched at the prospect of shopping. She really hoped that this wouldn't turn into something that would rival the Black Friday incident that Drago and Cami had gotten themselves into. Astrid didn't notice Eret sneaking up behind her as they made shopping plans.

"Why hello there babe." Eret greeted, effectively halting the ongoing conversation. If he had paid any attention to the others then he's notice that the looks they had been shooting him were anything but pleasant. "How about you and me have some fun this weekend." He suggested.

Astrid didn't immediately reply. She stood up, her back still turned to him, and then said "Sorry Eret I have a date." She walked away leaving the man looking at her in shock. Once she was gone he turned to those she had been sitting at. "Please tell me she's joking!" Eret stated.

"Oh we're sorry." Camicazi commented. "But we don't air private discussions!" They all departed for their classes and Eret was left standing at an empty table.

"Ruff can you and Tuffnut still take care of this little nuisance?" Camicazi asked once they were out of earshot. She already didn't like him much.

"Sure but it will take some planning." Ruffnut told here. "Destruction is an art form you see. It will take a couple of days."

The day passed quickly and soon it was Tuesday morning. Hiccup was just about to head to the lounge when Eret cornered him. "Hey Hiccup right!" Eret asked.

Hiccup nodded wondering what the man wanted. "So I hear you're real close to Astrid."

"Uhuh" Hiccup mumbled and wondered where this was going.

"Do you know if she has a date this weekend?" Eret asked. "I want to find out who asked my girl out."

"Y….Your girl?" Hiccup whipped his head around to look at Eret. "I haven't heard anything." he quickly told the man, and he hadn't as he didn't consider Friday as part of the weekend since it was still a school day.

"Yeah me and her used to date!" Eret told him. "But we broke up and I realized that I want her back. She was the best thing in my life."

"But does she want you back?" Hiccup questioned. Eret gave him a weird look. "Why wouldn't she." He boasted. "I was the best thing that stepped into her life."

"You wouldn't be single now then would you." Hiccup said to himself under his breath.

"But I think she's making this whole date up." Eret proclaimed. "There's no way she's over me."

"But let's say there is a date….." Hiccup trailed off.

"I'd give the fellow a good talking too." Eret proclaimed while Hiccup gulped nervously. "I'm here to get my girl back. Just tell me if you hear anything alright. Us History teachers have to stick together!" He said before walking away and leaving Hiccup behind in the hallway. Hiccup felt a tug on his shirt. He looked down and saw that Gothi had approached him. She held up her hip flask to him and offered him a nip of gin.

"Thanks Gothi." Hiccup said as he took a discreet swig of the flask. He was going to need all his nerves to talk to Astrid today and get to the bottom of this.

Later during lunch Eret came into the lounge and asked "Why is there a flamingo in my classroom?"

"Oh well that's Hewey." Gobber answered. "It's the class pet that Mrs. K had before. Don't worry. The kids are supposed to take care of it."

"It's a flamingo!" Eret exclaimed again. "How is that a class pet?"

"Oh don't be such a baby!" Tuffnut now answered. "Hewey won't bite!"

"And it really isn't so strange as having a penguin as a class pet." Viggo stated as he looked at Drago.

"Well you have a boa." Drago shot back.

"At least my pet is….." Viggo started but was interrupted by Snotlout.

"Enough!" Snotlout loudly stated. "Before we get into this debate again about which class pet is better you all better know that Matilda, my ferret, has learned to play Bach!"

Everyone looked at Snotlout with a confused look. "Just thought you should know." Snotlout mumbled as he sat back down.

"So where is Astrid?" Eret asked as he didn't see her around.

"Busy." Alvin muttered. He had seen her talking with Hiccup in his classroom but wasn't about to tell Eret that.

"Oh" Eret said before he simply left the room.

Things got weirder that day when Eret had class. A large explosion rocked his classroom and the wall separating his classroom with the Chemistry lab crumbled.

"WHAT IN TARNATION?!" Eret shouted just as Tuffnut stuck his head through.

"Oh sorry about that." Tuffnut said as he poked his head through the wall. Eret's classroom door opened to reveal Hiccup who was coming to check on the large explosion that rocked the area.

"Tuffnut I thought we discussed keeping the explosions to a minimum of two per month." Hiccup groaned. "The school can't pay to fix that wall each time."

"Just so you know Hiccup, I did not blow up the wall the time before this." Tuffnut argued. "It dissolved!" He reasoned.

Hiccup let out a groan and the students now just acted like it was a frequent occurrence. Eret however was trying to grasp what was happening. "And technically the explosion two weeks ago wasn't my doing!" Tuffnut defended. "Ruffnut came by for a demonstration."

"Tuffnut….." Hiccup warned. For some reason most damage reports landed on his desk to review.

"Alright! Don't worry!" Tuffnut gave a mock salute. Hiccup nodded and went back to his class. Eret just watched the conversation and asked again "What in Thor's name just happened?!"

Wednesday wasn't any better for Eret. He had no free period today and he nearly overslept. He came running into the building five minutes before his class was supposed to start. He was however stopped by the hall monitor who held up his stop sign and had a whistle poised to blow.

Eret skidded to a stop and wondered what was going on. He was set to ignore the hall monitor and took a step forward only to jump back as several large wooden contraptions came rolling down the hall with cheering students following behind. A few minutes passed before the whole group of contraptions and students passed.

"What?" Eret asked aloud.

"The woodshop class build siege weapons." The hall monitor explained as he was writing something down in his notebook. "They're about to go test them." He tore off the note and handed it to Eret.

Eret looked down at the pink slip he received and raised a brow. "Are you serious?" He then asked.

"You were the one who was running in the halls and ignored a school official." The monitor explained.

"But detention?" Eret waved the pink slip about. The hall monitor merely shrugged before being on his way. Eret looked at his watch and cursed. He was now officially late for class.

The lounge was ripe with gossip during lunch that day. Heather had joined her brother along with Mala and Throk "Did you hear, Eret got a pink slip."

Alvin who was lounging on the couch turned around and said "I heard he pissed off Mildew by running in the halls."

"Did anyone see that sheep chasing him?" Ryker asked as he stole one of his brother's sandwiches.

Not everyone was in the lounge that day. Hiccup himself had been held up by several students asking questions. The only thing weird about it was that they weren't his students.

"I don't mind explaining this to you guys but why can't you ask Eret? He is your teacher after all."

"But Mr. Haddock!" One of the girls whined a bit. "We did. He told us to stop bothering him." The others all nodded as well.

"He barely teaches us and we had to correct him on several occasions." A boy who Hiccup knew was a good student explained. "And when we did he'd start criticizing us for interrupting him."

"He always has to be right." Another girl stated "And several of us don't feel comfortable asking him anything."

Hiccup had gotten a weird feeling and asked the girl to elaborate. She pursed her lips before saying "He told Sally who was sitting next to me that she didn't need to know why Napoleon lost since all she was going to do was cook and take care of her man."

Hiccup raised his brow as the girl continued "Sally is one of the smartest girls I know. She's in three AP classes and wants to be an Astrophysicist."

"He told me I had nice legs." Another girl mumbled.

"He told several of us guys to stop whining and get a life."

"I'll have a talk with him." Hiccup told the students. He really didn't want to report someone to the Principal but these comments were worrying. "If he doesn't stop I'll have no choice but to report him."

The students nodded, apparently happy with that answer. Hiccup then took one of his textbooks and asked them which parts they didn't understand.

Hiccup confronted Eret after school in the office. He was about to talk to him about his behaviour when he heard a slap. Ruffnut then marched past him and out the door. Hiccup turned back to see Eret with a red handprint forming on his cheek.

"What are you doing?" Hiccup asked as his eyes narrowed.

"Oh nothing much." Eret told him as he rubbed his cheek. "That Ruffnut chick is just playing hard to get."

"Aren't you trying to win Astrid back?"

"Hey that doesn't mean I can't sample other goods." Eret reasoned. Hiccup had had enough and marched right up to him and got in his face. "Listen here! I don't care what you do in your private time but this is a school. You do not harass students or colleagues. And maybe you should actually try giving accurate lessons!"

"Oh and what are you going to do?" Eret laughed as he towered over Hiccup. "You're nothing but a stringbean." He poked Hiccup in the chest a few times. "So what. I'll conduct my class how I see fit and I'll do what I like here as well. Besides as soon as I have Astrid we'll be gone."

"Oh you'll be gone much much sooner." Hiccup muttered as Eret proceeded to ignore him and walk away. The students' statements alone wouldn't get Eret fired. He'd probably be put on probation. No Hiccup needed to handle this himself. He took a deep breath before heading back in the direction of his classroom.

The following morning Eret was in for a surprise. He had come to class intent on giving the students a talking to about whining about his teaching methods. He however found the his classroom empty. Not a student in sight. As he took a step into the classroom he tripped a transparent wire causing all hell to break loose.

What happened next was the stuff of High School legends. The entire student body and faculty was evacuated after Eret had triggered the fire alarm by accident. All the students sat on the lawn talking about what they had witnessed. Even the teachers were gossiping like a pair of High School girls.

"Did you see that blue slime!" Alvin said. "I can't believe that that thing began eating his clothes."

"Forget about about his clothes, did you see his hair?!" Camicazi exclaimed before guffawing. "It was neon colored!"

"Ruff you and your brother really outdid yourselves." She said through her fits of laughter. "That snake didn't even last a week!"

Ruffnut and Tuffnut however were silent and looked at Camicazi with a serious expression. "We didn't do this." They said in unison.

The others who were nearby stopped in their laughter and looked at the twins oddly. "Oh come on. No need to hide it." Drago muttered. "Even the rainbow colored feathers were a nice touch."

"No….. we really didn't pull this off." Ruffnut stated. "We were planning on putting ours into action tomorrow. Tuffnut was getting the vat of honey today."

"But… the slime"

"The feathers….."

"The dye….."

"The cow….." Several teachers trailed off. Heather meanwhile was deep in thought. "You know I saw Eret's class on the track field this morning." She suddenly mentioned. "When I asked what they were doing there they told us that they received a message to meet out there. They didn't say who from. Next thing I know the fire alarm is going off."

"So…. if you two didn't do it…" Viggo asked as they watched as a hysteric and naked Eret being taken away.

"Then who…." Several people asked.

"Well… it would have to be someone with a background in chemistry." Tuffnut deduced. "That slime was a work of art."

"It would also have to be someone who can rig up a classroom without making it conspicuous." Ruffnut added.

"Still that only leaves you two." Ryker told them.

"Well…." Gobber mumbled as he drew their attention. "Not necessarily."

"Well don't keep us in the dark!" Dagur and Heather stated as one.

"If you need someone with a Chemical background and knowledge of mechanics then I'd pick Hiccup." Gobber explained.

"But Hiccup teaches history." Fishlegs stated.

"Ah…" Gobber smiled one of his I-know-something-you-don't-know smiles. "Hiccup has a Masters in History yes but he also has a Bachelor's degree in Chemistry and I've thought him quite a few tricks in woodshop as well."

"But why?" Camicazi now asked as she snuck a glance at Hiccup who was sitting by Astrid not so far away.

Gobber merely shrugged "Don't know, but if Hiccup did do this then it wouldn't be without a good reason."

"Well not like anything is wrong right?" Snotlout asked before taking out a little black book. "Eret's gone and we have a betting pool to complete. Who had kiss after second date again?"

The twins were quiet which caught Drago's attention. "What are you two hellions up to?"

"Oh just thinking."

"Yeah, just thinking."

"I'm afraid to ask…" Drago muttered. "But thinking about…."

"Oh just kidnapping Hiccup so that he can teach us his evil mastermind ways." Tuffnut mumbled absentmindedly as Drago's eyebrows shot up. This could not bode well for the continued survival of the school building.

- **THE END** -


End file.
